Miss Homurabara Pageant
by Mini Nephthys
Summary: Shinji participates for the sake of his reputation, Archer enters to please his Master, Shirou joins because he's forced to, and Issei wishes the crossdressing pageant had never been created. Set during Hollow Ataraxia. Persona 4 homage.


**Author's Notes:** This fic is set sometime in the Hollow Ataraxia canon, mainly so that Archer, Caster, and Shinji will all be alive, and I won't have to do any explaining about that. It has some mildly implied Archer/Rin, and some implied onesided Issei/Shirou (but no more than canon has: I mean, seriously Issei, could you blush any more?).

* * *

"The 'Miss' Homurabara Pageant…" Issei sighed and stepped away from the billboard, not bothering to read the rest of the flyer. "They're doing that again this year? There was barely any interest last year, and I thought that they were going to do away with it."

"I heard that Kuzuki-sensei volunteered to be in charge of it, and since he doesn't ever volunteer to do extra-curricular activities, the staff agreed to run it." Shirou took Issei's place, examining the list of rules and the entrants. "It says that due to the necessary planning of the event, signed-up names can't be taken back, even if you claim that someone else wrote your name down. Oh, Shinji's signed up already? And you have?"

"WHAT?!" two shocked voices answered in unison. Shirou was roughly shoved out of the way by Shinji, who glared at the paper as if he could make it burst into flames by doing so. "I never agreed to this! One of you must have written my name down!"

"We just arrived here and read the flyer a few moments ago," Issei informed him, temporarily distracted from his own rage. "It's more likely that one of your fangirls wanted to see you in a skirt and wrote your name down."

Shinji scowled, grabbed the pen at the bottom of the billboard, and began scribbling furiously.

"No backing out allowed, didn't you read the rules? I mean, I guess if you were a coward who couldn't handle it, you could cross your name out… but given your reputation, the entire female student body probably knows by now that you're in the competition, and they'd all know you quit." An amused smirk crossed Issei's face. "But if it's too much for you, I guess you'll have to back down, won't you?"

"…I hate you both so much." Shinji wrote something down, then dropped the pen on the floor and stormed off.

"Why both of us?" Shirou wondered, picking up the pen and putting it back where it belonged. "I didn't do anything."

"I don't think it mattered. A man being forced to crossdress will lash out at anyone he sees." Issei turned his head. "Oh, good afternoon, Kuzuki-sensei."

"Good afternoon," Kuzuki replied politely, examining the sign-up sheet. "Another student attempted to back down? It's good that I record the contents of the list between periods." His eyes flicked down to the paper attached to his clipboard. "Matou Shinji will be reminded of the rules about withdrawals. …One new student has entered since last I checked." He wrote someone's name down on his sheet, and then left.

A sinking feeling washed over Shirou. "…Issei, if he didn't rewrite his own name, what did he write down?" he asked.

"I'll check." Issei stepped in front of the flyer and ran his finger down the side of the list of names. When he got to the last one, he froze, before turning to Shirou with a guilty expression on his face. "I'm so, so sorry, Emiya. If I had known this was what would come of taunting him, I would have restrained myself."

"What are you talking abou-" Understanding struck Shirou. He wished it hadn't. "He signed me up, didn't he."

Issei nodded.

"…I know it's against the rules, but do you think if I explain that it was Shinji who wrote my name down, Kuzuki-sensei would let me not enter?" Shirou asked hopefully.

Issei looked at him with a pitying expression. "Emiya, sometimes I wonder if you even listen to yourself talk."

Shirou sighed. "I didn't really think so."

"At least we'll suffer together," Issei added. "…This is still probably going to be the worst experience of our high school career. Let's leave before someone sees our names and heckles us."

A few minutes after they left, Rin examined the flyer, chuckling at the list of names. Then she looked up at a seemingly empty patch of air. "It says there's a prize for winning first place."

"…Why is this relevant?" Archer asked.

"It's probably a monetary reward." She smiled thinly at him.

A long silence passed before he croaked, "You can't be serious."

"Do I need to order you, Archer?" she asked sweetly.

"…why did I have to be summoned to such a cruel master?" Archer grumbled. "I deserve something in return for agreeing to this."

Rin laughed and wrote his name down. "We'll see, Archer. Now, let's see about getting you fixed up for the contest, shall we?"

* * *

"Niisan signed you up?" Sakura gasped. "Um… I'm really sorry…"

"Don't worry about it," Shirou assured her. "It's not your fault what he does. Anyway, at least it won't kill me."

"But still… What will you do if Kuzuki-sensei won't let you back out?" she asked.

"…I guess I'll have to find something to wear and participate." He sighed. "I'm going to end up a laughingstock. The best I can hope for is that everyone else will be one too."

Sakura fidgeted. "Um… I could help you, Senpai."

He raised an eyebrow. "With convincing Kuzuki-sensei to exempt me from the rules? Thanks, but I think that's impossible."

She shook her head. "I meant help you not be a laughingstock. The point of the contest is to try and look like a pretty girl, right? I could help you pick out clothes and do your makeup, or something."

Shirou considered that, and weighed the positives and negatives in his mind. On one hand, he didn't want to be made fun of. On the other hand… he didn't want to even be _capable_ of looking like a pretty girl.

Eventually, the hopeful look on Sakura's face won over his masculine pride (and good sense). "All right, you can help me," he agreed.

Sakura beamed at him. "Thank you! I won't let you down, Senpai! Now…" Her smile widened, and she uttered the three words that no sane man ever wanted to hear.

"Let's go shopping."

* * *

Rin sighed and put down the dress she was holding up to Archer's form. "It's useless. None of my clothes are going to come close to fitting you."

"I could have told you as much ten minutes ago," Archer replied. "We're not making any progress."

"I know, I know." She took a seat, still deep in thought. "Let's see… Mother was barely taller than me, so her clothes won't work either."

"We could just buy something," he pointed out. "We'd damage less of your clothes this way."

"The entire point of this is so that we could make money. If we spend money on clothes for you, we're reducing the profit - _if_ we get a profit at all." Rin paused contemplatively. "If we take one of the longer dresses and stretch it-"

"It still wouldn't fit right, we'd ruin the dress, and it would most likely shrink back and I'd end up in something that only comes down to my waist in front of a group of teenagers," he rattled off.

She frowned. "The way you phrased that-"

He cut her off. "Think of something else."

"…Back when the Tohsaka family could still afford things like that," she explained slowly, "we used to have some hired help living here; some of them were fairly tall. I know I have one of the uniforms left, so…"

Archer stared at her for a few moments, and then sighed. "Rin, you know I have the utmost loyalty to you and normally obey your every whim, but believe me when I say that _no power under Gaia_ will ever get me to wear a maid uniform."

"It would have covered you decently," she pointed out.

"It's the principle of the matter. Absolutely not," he countered. "…hold on. There may be something we can do…"

* * *

"With all due respect, Kuzuki, I wish you'd never agreed to run the pageant," Issei grumbled. "You could have at least had less draconian sign-up policies."

Kuzuki seemed not to notice his complaining. Caster, on the other hand, looked concerned. "Is something wrong?"

"My name was written down on the crossdressing pageant's sign-up sheet without my knowledge or consent, and thanks to the rules, I'm forced to participate," Issei explained. "I don't even know the first thing about dressing like a woman; where am I going to start?"

She nodded sympathetically. "That _is_ a shame… Well, if it's only a matter of dressing like a woman, I should be able to give some advice."

"…I don't actually really want to win, you know," he pointed out.

"You don't? How sad, I was looking forward to seeing you compete." She sighed. "That Matou boy's popularity will carry him to victory, then, if no one makes an effort. Is that really all right?"

He paused, looking torn. "…Is getting help from other people allowed?" he asked, turning his head towards Kuzuki.

"I expect most of the contestants are doing likewise, unless they are experienced in this area," Kuzuki answered.

"I doubt they are." Issei turned back to Caster and smiled slightly. "Thank you for your assistance."

"Oh, it'll be my pleasure~" she chirped, smiling far too broadly. "Now, where to begin… I have a dress in your size that you'd look lovely in, let's try that one first~"

"Why do you have women's clothes in my si- eep! Y-you don't need to drag me to - we're not going to your room, are we?"

"Of course we are, where else would I keep my clothes? Now, come along~"

"It's good that she's enjoying herself," Kuzuki remarked to no one.

* * *

Kuzuki tapped on the microphone, and the audience fell silent. "Before we begin, I would like to remind you all that this is not meant to be a popularity contest. Votes should be cast based on the quality of the costume rather than which contestant has more friends. While I cannot discount votes based on motivation…" He stared out into the audience. A few of Shinji's fangirls shifted uncomfortably in their seats. "Keep that in mind. You may proceed, Mitsuzuri."

"Welcome to the 'Miss' Homurabara Pageant!" Ayako announced, looking only mildly embarrassed to be up on stage and spouting out corny lines nonstop. "Four of our school's 'beauties'-"

There was widespread chuckling from the audience.

"-have chosen to showcase their 'unique' charms-"

More laughter interrupted her.

"-in a competition to see which one of them can bedazzle their audience most. Let's welcome our first contestant! She's the average girl next door - a hardworking teen out to win your heart. From class 2-B, please welcome Shirou-chan!"

For a moment, no one came out. Then, slowly, Shirou emerged from the side entrance and crossed the stage, fuming. A small chorus of laughter greeted him.

There was nothing wrong with his clothes; the girl's school uniform almost seemed to suit him (a frightening thought). The makeup, however, was a bit too strongly applied. The worst part was his hair - it was obvious that he'd just stuck a few bows in it, and it jutted out awkwardly at several points.

"I don't know why I believed him when he said he could do his hair himself," Sakura murmured, a bead of sweat breaking out on her forehead.

Once she recovered from her laughing fit, Ayako asked, "So, Emiya-k- I mean, Shirou-chan. What would you say is your best feature?"

He thought that one over for a moment. "My personality," he answered with confidence.

"A typical answer from a typical girl." She snickered a few more times, and then continued. "Next up, the beauty queen of Homurabara Gakuen! Beloved by the teachers, adored by her classmates, Shinji-chan from class 2- pfahaha!"

Shinji ignored the peals of laughter coming from the audience as he strode across the stage. While Shirou's makeup had only been a bit too much, Shinji's was slathered on; he hadn't bothered to even change his usual hairstyle; and the short skirt he was wearing below his shirt was more disturbing than cute.

"Shinji's legs are going to haunt my nightmares from now on - did you hear some strange sound just now?" Rin asked, briefly uncovering her eyes in order to look at Sakura.

"I… think that Kuzuki-sensei just laughed," Sakura replied.

Rin gaped. "What?! That's not possible. It must have been swamp gas, or something."

Meanwhile, Ayako tried to continue announcing between snickers. "Shinji-chan, do you have anything to say to your audience and your competitors?"

Shinji's grin looked slightly strained. "Victory will be mine!"

The response was not the cheers that Shinji had hoped for. "…Matou-senpai doesn't know how ridiculous he looks…" "I thought Matou-senpai could pull it off, but…"

Sakura sighed. "I told him he should have gotten someone's help."

"I'm not sure if I want to go on, but… up next, we have a contestant from outside of the school. An exotic beauty who breaks hearts as easily as she breathes; sad to say, but her heart already belongs to another. Please welcome Archer-chan!"

Calmly, Archer took his position next to Shinji. Unlike the others, he had invested in a wig (white, shoulder-length), and had gone lighter on the makeup. That, plus the simple red dress he wore, meant that his appearance wasn't greeted by laughter.

"…He's keeping his hands behind his back. Did you tell him to look demure?" Sakura wondered aloud.

Rin shook her head. "Even a maid outfit couldn't make him look demure. I just wanted him to keep his arms out of sight; those things are huge."

"So, Archer-chan, did you enter yourself?" Ayako asked.

Archer shook his head and smirked. "My Master ordered me to enter."

"H-hey, don't say things like that! You're making it sound wrong!" Rin snapped, blushing hotly.

"I… see." Ayako cleared her throat. "For our final competitor, we have our very own student council president. A beautiful shrinking violet who will one day blossom - geeze, who wrote these lines, anyway? I mean - from class 2-B, Issei-chan!"

Issei emerged from the side entrance and took his position. It was difficult to tell whether the flush on his cheeks was a result of makeup or his blushing: it was probably a combination of both. The long black dress he wore was covered in ruffles that neatly matched the waves of his hair - well, wig.

"…The collar is a nice touch," Rin admitted, approvingly.

Sakura sighed again. "Sorry, Senpai. I did my best."

"You really went all-out, didn't you? Is there someone here tonight that you're trying to impress?" Ayako asked with a teasing grin.

Issei's cheeks reddened even more as his gaze flickered briefly to Shirou, and then returned to Ayako. "I-I don't know what you're talking about, Mitsuzuri. It's nothing like that."

Kuzuki cleared his throat. "Now that all of the entrants have been seen, the voting will begin."

While the votes were being cast and counted, the contestants chatted amongst themselves. "Did you actually get Tohsaka to buy something?"

"Not as much as you think. The wig is traced. …she wanted me to trace the dress as well, but the risk of a wardrobe malfunction…"

"Yeah, that might be a problem."

"What are you two talking about?"

"Uh, nothing, Issei. Just stuff about clothes you wouldn't be interested in."

"Why isn't anyone voting for me…?!"

"Why are you looking at their votes in the first place, Matou? And _why_ are you surprised?"

"I'm the only one here who didn't need to get someone else's help. I should be the winner!"

"No, you did need to get someone else's help. The fact that you didn't get that help is why you aren't being voted for."

"If you're all done, the votes have been counted," Ayako interrupted. They quieted down. "Thanks. Now - ladies and gentlemen, this year's 'Miss' Homurabara is about to be crowned! We had a few strong contenders this year - and a couple ones that weren't quite as strong - but in the end, a victor has been made clear!

"Congratulations, Ryudo Issei!"

Rin groaned as a spotlight shone on Issei and most of the rest of the audience cheered. "There goes my prize."

"Your prize for coming in first place is…" Ayako sighed and lowered her voice to a conversational level. "An honorary judge position in the upcoming Miss Homurabara Beauty Pageant."

Issei raised an eyebrow. "You mean the one that only Makidera entered this year? That's not much of a prize, is it?"

"Yeah, that one. Sorry, I didn't pick the prizes." She raised her voice again. "What do you have to say to your audience?"

"Um… thank you?" Issei answered, hesitantly.

"Thank you all for attending, and come again next year! …You guys can go get changed now," she told the contestants.

They didn't need any further prompting to exit the stage. Shinji shoved past the others, cursing to himself as he left the adjoining room.

"Try not to lose any more competitions on your way through the parking lot!" Issei called out after him. No answer came back. "…I apologize for all of this."

"It's not your fault," Shirou replied, rummaging around for his normal clothes.

"I don't know. Apparently Kuzuki-sensei agreed to run this event entirely because his fiancée wanted to dress me up in pretty clothes. Does that make this my fault?" Issei was about to pick up his own clothes when a bright flash distracted him. "Tohsaka?! Wh-what are you going to do with that picture you just took?"

"Sell it anonymously on the black market so that I can get _something_ out of all this," Rin answered calmly. "By the way, Emiya, you really shouldn't bend over like that in a skirt."

As Shirou blushed and spluttered, Archer fixed Rin with an annoyed look. "I remind you that you owe me for this - especially considering what I was competing for."

"I know, I know." Rin's smile widened. "Why don't we discuss your reward in private? I would hate to traumatize Issei-chan any more, after all."

"…Emiya?" Issei asked, watching Archer and Rin leave. "Does Fuyuki really have a black market?"

"I don't think so," Shirou answered. "But I think Fuji-nee would know more about it than I would."

"I'll have to ask her about it, then." Issei fumbled with the back of his dress, with little success. "I should have worn a skirt. Then I could've changed here at school and not had to wear women's clothing on the way home."

"You can't take it off yourself? I could help, since I'm here," Shirou offered.

"Would you? That would be-" Issei cut himself off, turning a bright shade of red. "Th-thank you for the offer, but I think I'll take my chances going home in this! It wouldn't be decent if you were to…"

"…I don't know why you're objecting, but okay," Shirou replied. "Couldn't you at least take the wig off, though?"

Issei paused, and then plucked the wig off of his head. "I forgot it was there."

Shirou chuckled. "I'm going to go get changed. I can walk you home if you don't want to deal with people mistaking you for a girl."

"Ah, thank you. I'll wait here for you, then." As Shirou left, Issei wondered aloud, "…but wouldn't going home with another man make it more likely for me to be mistaken for a woman? Not that I would refuse…"


End file.
